Clinical Psychologist Rebecca chats about the trials of expectations

Special events like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays, Easter, Ramadan, or Christmas can bring moments of joy but for many, they also bring up anxiety, disappointment, and unresolved pain. These are the days that often hold more weight than we realise. They become markers of where relationships are thriving or fraying.

Why Special Days Can Be So Hard

Whether it’s a religious holiday, a cultural celebration, or a personal milestone, these occasions can act like emotional magnifying glasses. If there’s tension in the family, it’s likely to surface here. Overtime this can result in complex feelings of anxiety, overwhelm and depression.

We often see:

• Triggering language or assumptions: A well-meaning comment, “You’re just like your father”, “You’re so sensitive”, “You never come around anymore”, “Don’t start again” or , can land like a grenade when it echoes an old hurt.

• The pressure to please everyone: You might feel responsible for keeping peace, balancing time between families, or living up to someone else’s expectations.

• Old wounds reopened: Historical family dynamics, like feeling overlooked, criticised, or emotionally neglected can resurface.

• Grief and loss: These days can highlight who is no longer with us i.e. loss of a partner, child or parent, or what relationships haven’t turned out the way we hoped.

• Cultural and intergenerational clashes: Celebrations mean different things to different generations. Traditions, expectations, or rituals can create friction, especially in blended or multicultural families.

Replaying Patterns, Feeling the Pressure of Family

We sometimes replay old patterns without realising it. Maybe it’s trying too hard to be the “peacekeeper” or biting your tongue to avoid conflict. Perhaps you go all out with planning, cooking, or gift-giving then feel crushed when it’s not acknowledged.

Special days can make people feel like they’re back in their childhood roles: the fixer, the rebel, the forgotten one. Without space to reflect or process, we can fall into habits that no longer serve us.

A Different Way Forward: Boundaries with Family

You’re allowed to feel conflicted about these days. You can love your family and feel stressed by them. You can want connection and crave space. Here are a few things we often explore in therapy:

• Name what you’re feeling – Giving words to anxiety, grief or resentment can reduce their hold.
• Set realistic expectations – Let go of the pressure to create “perfect” moments. Aim for “real” instead.
• Plan ahead – Talk with trusted people about what you need. Is it time alone after a big lunch? An exit plan if things get heated? A phone call with a trusted person to debrief.
• Use boundaries with kindness – Saying “no” or “not this year” doesn’t make you a bad person it makes you someone who’s caring for their mental health.
• Reflect on your values – What do you want this day to represent for you, not just your family?

You’re Not Alone

At Creating Change, we work with many people navigating the complexities of family, especially around times when everyone else seems to be celebrating. These moments can be challenging but they can also be opportunities for growth, understanding, and creating new ways of being with those around you.

If you find these days difficult or exhausting, that doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. It just means your experiences and your emotions matter.

Need a little extra support navigating family dynamics?
Our psychologists are here to walk alongside you—whether it’s communication, boundaries, or a big life transitions. We’re here to help you feel more connected, understood, and supported through every season.

^{Written by Clinical Psychologist Rebecca Deane – www.creatingchange.net.au}
_{Psychology support in the Hills District, Western Sydney & Surrounds (including Rouse Hill, Bella Vista, Glenwood, Castle Hill, Kellyville, The Hawkesbury, Penrith Nepean, Blacktown, Epping, Ryde, Pennant Hills areas and surrounds)}